Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
