The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
