I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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