I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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