dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
it glows. i had to have it.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
