A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
