Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We have started to decorate penises.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
