He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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