she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
