Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
