Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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