Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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