i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you win again, gameday.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
