Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
