You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
