It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
