were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
