I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
