The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
