On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
