I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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