I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
