I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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