i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
