Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
