I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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