I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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