I faked an abortion last night.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
