Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
