your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
