Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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