You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
