My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
