Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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