Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
