we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
