I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
