My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
