I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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