Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Someone came in the potted fern
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
