I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
