He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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