dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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