I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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