So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
