so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
