3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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