You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
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If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
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All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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