Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
