if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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