I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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