Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
