the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
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My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
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I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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