I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
