I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Randomize
