im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
