Dual....:-)
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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