Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
