She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
