I cannot find my penis.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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