I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
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